Recently I disconnected with someone I love and care about; someone very close to me. There were some frustrations leading up to it and who's to say we can ever reconcile our differences. Comments about what was referred to as my "perfect life" were put out there in a way that I think was meant to be offensive. Well, my life is not perfect. My life, however, is my life... and it's the closest thing to perfection for me as it is a result of my own choices. I make no excuses for my life or who I am and I certainly am not apologetic about it either.
If my actions lead you to believe that you are less of a mother, a friend, a person... that is your choice. Don't put that on me. I absolutely don't believe this to be true. If you feel my life and my decisions are the reason behind your insecurities, there is nothing I can do because that's your choice. You are also in control of your actions. Initially I felt angry, of course, and after a week of distracting myself with... oh, who am I kidding, I'm always distracted. These distractions have helped me to think about other things and ultimately come to the conclusion that the fight was ridiculous and not worth another hurtful thought. So without hesitation I attempted to make peace for the second time with no response. The first attempt was probably ill-timed as it was right before the car backed out of the driveway. The second, a week later, was today. I called... no answer. I left a voicemail... no response.
My intentions are to make peace and move forward. I believe the ball is now rolling across the opposite court as a paddle has not even been raised to strike. I apologized for my part in the riff. My intention is not to be right, but to make it right. My intention is not to grovel, beg for mercy, or accept blame to spare your ego. The miscommunication was both of ours. I've said my peace and I have to let it go.
It's in my nature to keep my relationships static-free, as I tend to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, with a desire to impress everyone. (Meh, self-esteem issues.) That said, I prefer to take ownership for my own actions. Don't expect me to take ownership for yours, too.
Invictus is a poem by William Ernest Henley, 1875, and reading this puts me in check. So I'll end the blog with these powerful words...
Out of the night that covers me
Black is the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
