Taking Ownership

I don't blame anyone for the choices in my life and I'm very proud of most of the choices I did make. I feel like I've already accomplished so much in my life, and have been exposed to so many new things and people, despite not having established myself as a professional entertainer (a dream I've had since I was a kid). I've had some pretty bad days and have blamed "the powers that be" for any shortcomings. What I realize is that I am the powers that be. I have full control of my choices or any of my actions leading up to the end result. That's not to say, let's be clear, that I don't put my faith in God's hands when I submit to having lost control in tougher times. I also thank God for the blessings in my life... and the reason I do have free will.

Recently I disconnected with someone I love and care about; someone very close to me. There were some frustrations leading up to it and who's to say we can ever reconcile our differences. Comments about what was referred to as my "perfect life" were put out there in a way that I think was meant to be offensive. Well, my life is not perfect. My life, however, is my life... and it's the closest thing to perfection for me as it is a result of my own choices. I make no excuses for my life or who I am and I certainly am not apologetic about it either.

If my actions lead you to believe that you are less of a mother, a friend, a person... that is your choice. Don't put that on me. I absolutely don't believe this to be true. If you feel my life and my decisions are the reason behind your insecurities, there is nothing I can do because that's your choice. You are also in control of your actions. Initially I felt angry, of course, and after a week of distracting myself with... oh, who am I kidding, I'm always distracted. These distractions have helped me to think about other things and ultimately come to the conclusion that the fight was ridiculous and not worth another hurtful thought. So without hesitation I attempted to make peace for the second time with no response. The first attempt was probably ill-timed as it was right before the car backed out of the driveway. The second, a week later, was today. I called... no answer. I left a voicemail... no response.

My intentions are to make peace and move forward. I believe the ball is now rolling across the opposite court as a paddle has not even been raised to strike. I apologized for my part in the riff. My intention is not to be right, but to make it right. My intention is not to grovel, beg for mercy, or accept blame to spare your ego. The miscommunication was both of ours. I've said my peace and I have to let it go.

It's in my nature to keep my relationships static-free, as I tend to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, with a desire to impress everyone. (Meh, self-esteem issues.) That said, I prefer to take ownership for my own actions. Don't expect me to take ownership for yours, too.

Invictus is a poem by William Ernest Henley, 1875, and reading this puts me in check. So I'll end the blog with these powerful words...

Out of the night that covers me

Black is the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

my head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

how charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.