Lately, I lack proper rest, I eat poorly, I drink too much coffee and not enough water. I sit to work on projects and generally my only slice of fitness is walking to the kitchen to eat poorly or to the bathroom after all that coffee. I end up fatigued, insecure, frustrated, stressed, and unable to think as clearly.
This is far beyond my push for a better me when things seemed more settled. Across a string of transitions I've managed to fall into a funky loop of making bad choices, which leads to feeling bad, which leads to bad choices, and so on. This is SO not what I'm about yet I fell right into the crutches of the very things I strived to stay away from. It's as if life tested me and I failed somewhere.
I have less tolerance for artificial people and every time I turn around I'm unsurprisingly disappointed in the behaviors of some surprising people in my life. I used to embrace the benefit of the doubt and learned the doubt in the benefit of even that. I've allowed all of it to pull me under and now I feel (at the risk of being melodramatic) as if I'm surrounded by a sludgey, selfish, what's-in-it-for-me, superficial, insecure, frenzy.
I see talented, hard-working people over-shadowed by others who's level of status is questionable. Pop culture proves to serve as a fast track for many trainwrecks who've been provided enough attention by the rubber necking flock of sheep in baa aaa aaad need to belong. (See what I did there?) Even if it means gripping the caboose (that'd be the ass end of a train) by the teeth. Look! I'm so irritated I'm speaking in metaphors! About sheep and trains, no less!
Yeah. That whole "benefit of the doubt" thing... I gave it a go with some of this craziness only to find so many people had little to offer... as people. Where is the value on character and personality? Why do we fail to put any weight on ethics and scruples? People love drama. I mean just adore the crap out of it. No, I take that back. If that were true, then logically there'd be no drama because drama actually is crap. It's so exhausting! But it's what sells, and after all, it's only ever about the money, which equals status, which herd more sheep.
It's time for some personal damage control.
Through the crazy struggles my faith has been challenged and somehow manages to rediscover itself. I recognize this blog would not even exist if I were in better spirits. Not that I was ever okay with any of all the selfish, superficial junk, but I was at least secure enough with myself to not let any of it affect me.
I know once I gain control of my routine I'll have more energy, be more alert, and think less about the social fodder and more about all the fantabulous blessings in my life. Whoops! I've just ventured staight into a paradox: by "having little or no regard for such interests, beliefs, or attitudes" by definition is self-centered.
♠
3 comments:
Talent is only one tiny part of success. The most successful people are the most persistant, the best players, the most efficient exploiters & often the best looking by current standards. It's not fair, it doesn't result in the best work—it just is. People do disappoint. Just don't disappoint yourself! Thanks for keepin' it real, Ann!
"Hey it's heavy. What is it?"
"It's the stuff dreams are made of."
The amount of damage that shallow people do to society runs deep. The sheer numbers mean that even the little individual detriments add up to a big life detraction for the rest of us. Just look at the current economic mess that has been in the making for 30 years.
Ethics and scruples are part of my character that seems to confuse people, while others are refreshed to see that they are not so rare. It has ultimately been cooperative behavior that has made civilization possible, but the rising epidemic level of selfishness is putting our ancestors work in danger. I do realize that there can be no progress without upset, but it is very frustrating watching all sorts of upset without the masses waking up and making progress.
Before TV, talent & skill counted a lot more than appearances. Now, the most banal manufactured dramas (Kardashians) are used to overshadow anything significant. Having scruples means having to find a way to tolerate the intolerable. I use a lot of antacids and have pushed away the most draining of the hopeless 'people'. :(
I hope that you are back into a sustainable healthy place soon Ann!
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