Bad Habit

Have you ever had friendships that seem to exist simply out of habit? Often "friends" like to stay friends as long as there are no challenges and no one feels offended or insecure. I've witnessed very close friends drift after a disagreement and suddenly it becomes about making the other person's life miserable or hoping the other will fail. I always say I am loyal until I'm burned, then it's tough to gain my trust back if at all. And if and when that happens, I have no intentions of breaking any confidence we've had, using any information they shared with me against them. It's not worth it. All it does is incite more damage.

Friendships should be unconditional, but it shouldn't feel like "work". It's best to make the choice to surround ourselves with the people who lift us up and make us feel good about who we are. We all have our peaks and valleys and it's okay to be proud of our wins! No one works hard to fail. We all strive to succeed and we should be happy for our friends when they do. We need to allow others to shine and sometimes even share the spotlight, but we certainly shouldn't have to step back into the shadows just to keep our friends from feeling insecure or threatened by our triumphs.

One of my all-time favorite television shows is F•R•I•E•N•D•S. I absolutely love the concept of these 6 friends, guys and girls, with very different personalities who appreciate, respect, and love each other for who they are. There's a security in their relationships, they are genuinely happy when something wonderful happens to any one of them and when they're angry or frustrated, the loyalty is maintained. And pssshh... it's just a freakin' funny show in the first place! The dialogue is genious and each actor plays out their role to perfection! And let's face it, they're easy to look at. How fantabulous it would be if all friendships were like this!


The thing about television and film is that everything is controlled and can depict the ideal without the distraction of reality. There aren't many friendships outside of a script that follow the example Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey set for us. If you are in the middle of this sort of dynamic you are one blessed soul! (And can I be your friend, too?)

I'll be there for you...! Tsk, aww!

I recently read about a poll taken by several British people about the friends they keep. It revealed that they tend to keep friends out of habit... Just because they've been friends for years and/or for convenience of proximity. Oh, but It's not just British. It's like that all over the world. People keep friends in their lives because they feel some sort of obligation out of sheer history and experience. Maybe some people even fear leaving a friendship will ultimately end up in exposing some shared secrets.

I know people in my own life who see someone else's successes as their personal failures. For example, someone wins a trip to Italy and their "friend" whines that it never happens to them. They've turned that friend's exciting news into their own pity party. I also know people who make no effort to support the successes or interests of their friends (whether it's a subconscious or cognitive choice) simply because it takes the spotlight away from them. That speaks volumes about a person. I prefer to keep the people in my life who are genuine and selfless.

jealousy breeds contempt

I'm sure I get on my friends' nerves every now and again. I will say, though, that as a friend I am one you will want to have on your side. I recognize we're all different and I've only always respected that. I tend to be sentimental and loyal... and can be your biggest promoter. When I disagree with something a friend has done or if their actions have a negative impact, even on me, I don't retaliate. There's no value in it. I either let it roll or I make the choice to confront the situation. I've even bounced my frustrations off of someone else. Sometimes that comes without judgement, but often it ends up with someone feeling disgruntled and personally attacked. I've also made the choice to distance myself from those influences. I can respect differences in ethics, indeed, but I prefer to stay away from certain associations.

I've seen too much cattyness and hypocracy in real life friendships that seem to be missing from F•R•I•E•N•D•S. And there's an honesty and assurance about the relationship we see in the TV show that seems to be missing from real friendships. I don't give any of my friends reason to feel threatened or to compete (though it's managed to exist in my world) I've made efforts to keep my real friendships and it would be ideal if friendships were like the uber famous sitcom. Sadly, many frienships are conditional and unless those conditions are met, it's a more difficult task to keep those relationships. We don't have scripts and we don't have editors. We have real dialogue and real choices.

One of my steps toward a bit of damage control is to focus on the more meaningful friendships and let go of some bad "habits".

♠