Bad Habit

Have you ever had friendships that seem to exist simply out of habit? Often "friends" like to stay friends as long as there are no challenges and no one feels offended or insecure. I've witnessed very close friends drift after a disagreement and suddenly it becomes about making the other person's life miserable or hoping the other will fail. I always say I am loyal until I'm burned, then it's tough to gain my trust back if at all. And if and when that happens, I have no intentions of breaking any confidence we've had, using any information they shared with me against them. It's not worth it. All it does is incite more damage.

Friendships should be unconditional, but it shouldn't feel like "work". It's best to make the choice to surround ourselves with the people who lift us up and make us feel good about who we are. We all have our peaks and valleys and it's okay to be proud of our wins! No one works hard to fail. We all strive to succeed and we should be happy for our friends when they do. We need to allow others to shine and sometimes even share the spotlight, but we certainly shouldn't have to step back into the shadows just to keep our friends from feeling insecure or threatened by our triumphs.

One of my all-time favorite television shows is F•R•I•E•N•D•S. I absolutely love the concept of these 6 friends, guys and girls, with very different personalities who appreciate, respect, and love each other for who they are. There's a security in their relationships, they are genuinely happy when something wonderful happens to any one of them and when they're angry or frustrated, the loyalty is maintained. And pssshh... it's just a freakin' funny show in the first place! The dialogue is genious and each actor plays out their role to perfection! And let's face it, they're easy to look at. How fantabulous it would be if all friendships were like this!


The thing about television and film is that everything is controlled and can depict the ideal without the distraction of reality. There aren't many friendships outside of a script that follow the example Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey set for us. If you are in the middle of this sort of dynamic you are one blessed soul! (And can I be your friend, too?)

I'll be there for you...! Tsk, aww!

I recently read about a poll taken by several British people about the friends they keep. It revealed that they tend to keep friends out of habit... Just because they've been friends for years and/or for convenience of proximity. Oh, but It's not just British. It's like that all over the world. People keep friends in their lives because they feel some sort of obligation out of sheer history and experience. Maybe some people even fear leaving a friendship will ultimately end up in exposing some shared secrets.

I know people in my own life who see someone else's successes as their personal failures. For example, someone wins a trip to Italy and their "friend" whines that it never happens to them. They've turned that friend's exciting news into their own pity party. I also know people who make no effort to support the successes or interests of their friends (whether it's a subconscious or cognitive choice) simply because it takes the spotlight away from them. That speaks volumes about a person. I prefer to keep the people in my life who are genuine and selfless.

jealousy breeds contempt

I'm sure I get on my friends' nerves every now and again. I will say, though, that as a friend I am one you will want to have on your side. I recognize we're all different and I've only always respected that. I tend to be sentimental and loyal... and can be your biggest promoter. When I disagree with something a friend has done or if their actions have a negative impact, even on me, I don't retaliate. There's no value in it. I either let it roll or I make the choice to confront the situation. I've even bounced my frustrations off of someone else. Sometimes that comes without judgement, but often it ends up with someone feeling disgruntled and personally attacked. I've also made the choice to distance myself from those influences. I can respect differences in ethics, indeed, but I prefer to stay away from certain associations.

I've seen too much cattyness and hypocracy in real life friendships that seem to be missing from F•R•I•E•N•D•S. And there's an honesty and assurance about the relationship we see in the TV show that seems to be missing from real friendships. I don't give any of my friends reason to feel threatened or to compete (though it's managed to exist in my world) I've made efforts to keep my real friendships and it would be ideal if friendships were like the uber famous sitcom. Sadly, many frienships are conditional and unless those conditions are met, it's a more difficult task to keep those relationships. We don't have scripts and we don't have editors. We have real dialogue and real choices.

One of my steps toward a bit of damage control is to focus on the more meaningful friendships and let go of some bad "habits".

♠

Damage Control

Lately, I lack proper rest, I eat poorly, I drink too much coffee and not enough water. I sit to work on projects and generally my only slice of fitness is walking to the kitchen to eat poorly or to the bathroom after all that coffee. I end up fatigued, insecure, frustrated, stressed, and unable to think as clearly.

This is far beyond my push for a better me when things seemed more settled. Across a string of transitions I've managed to fall into a funky loop of making bad choices, which leads to feeling bad, which leads to bad choices, and so on. This is SO not what I'm about yet I fell right into the crutches of the very things I strived to stay away from. It's as if life tested me and I failed somewhere.

I have less tolerance for artificial people and every time I turn around I'm unsurprisingly disappointed in the behaviors of some surprising people in my life. I used to embrace the benefit of the doubt and learned the doubt in the benefit of even that. I've allowed all of it to pull me under and now I feel (at the risk of being melodramatic) as if I'm surrounded by a sludgey, selfish, what's-in-it-for-me, superficial, insecure, frenzy.

I see talented, hard-working people over-shadowed by others who's level of status is questionable. Pop culture proves to serve as a fast track for many trainwrecks who've been provided enough attention by the rubber necking flock of sheep in baa aaa aaad need to belong. (See what I did there?) Even if it means gripping the caboose (that'd be the ass end of a train) by the teeth. Look! I'm so irritated I'm speaking in metaphors! About sheep and trains, no less!

Yeah. That whole "benefit of the doubt" thing... I gave it a go with some of this craziness only to find so many people had little to offer... as people. Where is the value on character and personality? Why do we fail to put any weight on ethics and scruples? People love drama. I mean just adore the crap out of it. No, I take that back. If that were true, then logically there'd be no drama because drama actually is crap. It's so exhausting! But it's what sells, and after all,  it's only ever about the money, which equals status, which herd more sheep. 

Usually my blogs are more upbeat. Everybody reaches a precipice and you've just been exposed to a bit of my own.

It's time for some personal damage control.

Through the crazy struggles my faith has been challenged and somehow manages to rediscover itself. I recognize this blog would not even exist if I were in better spirits. Not that I was ever okay with any of all the selfish, superficial junk, but I was at least secure enough with myself to not let any of it affect me.

I know once I gain control of my routine I'll have more energy, be more alert, and think less about the social fodder and more about all the fantabulous blessings in my life. Whoops! I've just ventured staight into a paradox: by "having little or no regard for such interests, beliefs, or attitudes" by definition is self-centered.

♠

Just Fabulous Blog

Helloooooo, Shawna!

Click on image for bigger view!

I'm really not a person who has the desire to shop all the time. In fact, I rarely do. Maybe it's a combination of practicality and limited fundage. Whatever it is, I find it an inconvenience to go from store to store going through all the racks hoping to find that one thing I just have to have even though just before entering the store I had no idea what I was looking for. Obviously, I know exactly what I'm talking about. Of course I do. I've done it. And not every experience is one that ends in "Ughhh... let's go already." I'm just not a fan of shopping just to shop. I have to have a reason even if it's just an excuse to hang out with someone. So with the love of the fabulous convenience of the fabulous internet and myriad of fabulous online options, this fabulous (for the sake of consistency) self-proclaimed nerdy girl broke down and registered with JustFabulous.

I saw Shawna at some point and liked them right away. I've ventured into JustFab.com several times as curiosity (and again... convenience) got the best of me. I've had items in my cart and always ended up closing out without signing up. I learned as a new member with JustFabulous the first purchase is half the price. What?? For these boots?? Sweet! And they had me. I ordered and received her (I found the shoes on JustFab are referred to in third person) in a week or less. I'm not sure exactly when they arrived, just that I picked them up about a week later where my mail comes in.

They were just in time! I wanted them for my trip to NC with my family. I was so excited to open the box! Look, I said I didn't like shopping just to shop. I never said I hated shopping... or lost the joy in having new stuff! And for the record, I feel compelled to share that if I never had these boots I'd be just fine. I had the opp, I took it, I likey!

Moving on...!

So the name of the boot is Shawna. She looks exactly as she does online. She's a 4.5" heel but with a slight platform, it's not as high as I anticipated. Thank goodness! I'm usually not one to wear high heels, but lately I've been making different choices. I'm glad I did. It adds a bit of length to my legs and they're just... um... fabulous! I wore them for the first time tonight for dinner and I managed to get around without fail. I will have to get used to the height of the heel, but with the comfort in the first wear it shouldn't be difficult to break myself in. The inside bottom of the shoe isn't cushy, but they didn't constrict my feet either. I'm usually a size 6.5 or 7 (wide width), but this time I decided to order a size 8. Many of the reviews suggested ordering one size up. Good thing I read those reviews! They fit wonderfully. I like to wear boots with socks and it gave me ample room to wear them comfortably.

If you look at the images below, the very bottom shot is of the inside stitching. There is a gap between the stitched material. It's only in this one spot and only in the left boot. Just Fabulous will exchange them for a brand new pair at no cost (or they'll refund, with a small restocking fee). This isn't a problem for me so I'm keeping this pair.

It was a fabulous price on a fabulous boot. Shopping was simple and convenient, all the info was there, customer service on the phone was friendly (Hi, Courtney!), mailing was fast, and I will definitely continue to shop with Just Fabulous. Btw, you can choose to cancel at any time. Also! Shipping is always free!! (This is a big factor in my decision to finally join!) If you choose to join Just Fabulous, be sure to read reviews. They were verrrry helpful to me.

On a side note! Hubby's shirts are comfy and can be such a fun and adorable look from time to time! :)

♠♥u

These ARE the Droids you're looking for!

 

Motorola Droid X in current condition.

And still kickin' bum like a Jedi!

Do you see the screen? If you can't tell because the edges on the phone are black, you can see blackness creeping in around the sides, too. So much so that I can barely see what I'm reading unless I keep scrolling in all directions. This phone has been dropped, spilled on, stepped on, tossed (and lost), and still, all functions and features were unaffected. The straw that broke this camel's back (or in this case, gave the face its crack) was a drop from a distance at combat speed in my home! And even STILL! The only thing that happened was a hairline fracture I could barely notice! The blackness only slowly crept in over a couple of months and I had no issues with the phone otherwise. Not one. Nothing. Nada. Zilch, zero, zip!

The Droid X pretty much kicks ass and I don't need anything more than what it has provided... and then some. However comma! Timing has opened up a door to not only get one with a good screen, but also a significant discount for Black Friday! The practical part of me asks, "Why spend money on a new phone when you're happy with the current model?" The every other part of me asks, "Why the hell not...?" If the Droid X kicks this much bum and with the Black Friday discount I can upgrade my phone to the Motorola Droid Razr! With a Gorilla Glass face and Kevlar back, I am most certainly going to jump on that transaction! With the current condition of my phone (and obvious clumsy tendencies), I can stand to own one with reinforced everything!

INTERJECT: The Motorola Droid site freakin' rocks!!

After few conversations with hubby, friend, and self (Hi, Self! Oh, hey!) and reading up on two of Verizon's newer badazz phones I've opted not to wait for the Samsung Galaxy Nexus (though quite a pretty, pretty gadget!). Yes, it does offer the new Android OS 4.0 Ice Cream Sandwich, but come 2012, it will also be available to Razr users. So... OS problem? BS. Besides, there is always going to be a bigger, better, badder, stronger, sexier, savvier (yes, savvier) phone. I'll go ahead and get the Razr now and wait for said phone to manifest in the future. Perhaps at some point it'll transform into a stellar Z07 Corvette! What...? It could happen!

Oh, and I have nothing against the Nexus. At all. And for the iPhone diehards, I have no real input for the iPhone 4S other than I like the look of the Droids better. I've never owned an iAnything and I've been perfectly happy so far.

Motorola Droid Razr Vs. Samsung Galaxy Nexus

Know this...! DROID is a trademark of Lucasfilm Ltd. and its related companies and used by Motorola with permission! So there it is. These are the Droids you're looking for!

DROOOIIID...!

Dream Log #2

This dream was very colorful, included several of my YouTube friends and acquaintances, and ridiculously random!

Here goes...

Two guys were putting together an improve show only I didn’t realize it going to actually be in front of people. It was to be held in this room on some school campus. At first it was just me, Jessica Lizama, and one other person. Not sure who that was. Hubby was with me and was waiting for me outside the room in what looked like a dressing room with a mirror surrounded by “Hollywood lights” (those round bright bulbs you see in dressing rooms). Suddenly I’m on a grassy field and Iman Crosson runs up joking with me about the improv show and that he had his tickets. That’s when I realized it was in front of an audience. At that point I had anxieties over the fact I wasn’t even sure what I would do since I’ve never done improv in front of anyone. We’re back at the room and there are a few more people in it. I go out to tell hubby it’s $27 if he wanted to watch the show and if not I’ll be quick if he wanted to wait. At first he decided to just wait.

I’m now walking the campus hallways and there was a group of 3 people, a journalist, a camera person, and one other person. They were talking about the show and capturing random footage around the campus. As I’m walking, I pass Meghan Tonjes, also scheduled to be part of the show, who tells me something about why there’s a film crew and to act naturally. So as I’m walking there are other participants just casually walking passed the camera so I follow suit. It was apparent Meghan was irritated with me. I’m not sure why, just that she was. Her hair was long, a bit below her shoulders and she was wearing a white blouse and khaki capris pants.

We’re back in the room now and Jessica’s wearing big sunglasses, jeans, and a black t-shirt that had a word on it that had something to do with improv comedy. Not sure what it said but the word started with the letter “S” and was in white block letters. Someone said she and I were wearing the same kind of shirt so I look down and was wearing a deep, bright blue shirt with black block letters. Different word, but also had to do with the show. Someone was making fun of Jessica for wearing flip flops with her jeans and t-shirt. Apparently she wore slippers with everything so they made that comment behind her back.

I look into the room and Chris Cendana is practicing for the show. Suddenly he is actually performing. Not sure which song he’s singing, but he was playing guitar, singing, and I was sitting next to him on this off-white, puffy, leather couch and he was using a thin, angled makeup brush to apply purple lipstick to my lips as part of his act. He had no shirt on and appeared as if he worked out on steroids. Not solid muscle, but that thickness that was obvious he spent time in the gym often, just not cut. Suddenly he was now painting his own lips and as he sang I was doing backup harmony while helping him apply this lip paint. Instead of purple it was a lighter lavender color.

Now I’m walking over to the back of this small room where the audience was. Lisa Lavie is sitting next to my hubby trying to take pics with my cam and my new light diffuser for my flash. She was in a great mood and was asking me if she was doing it right. I took the camera to see how she was snapping photos and I started using it. I was very appreciative that she was actually taking photos. Usually I’m the one with the camera and not in many of the pics. (This is what I was thinking in the dream.)

It’s Lisa’s turn to perform so I start trying to take pics. She’s dressed in a fancy, beautifully ornate leotard and her performance was singing much like Christina Aguilera in the movie Burlesque. There were two guys on either side of Lisa dressed in mostly white with their face painted in black and white with shimmer paint and had white feathers surrounding them. I was sitting on the edge of the off-white puffy couch with really great shots through my lens only the camera wouldn’t click. The button seemed to be sticky and as I looked through the lens the diffuser actually also covered the lens with a small hole for the aperture. I had to find Lisa through the small hole in the diffuser. I had some incredibly beautiful shots and Lisa made sure to look my way knowing I was taking pics. I was frustrated because I missed so many gorgeous close-ups of her performance because the cam wouldn’t click!

It’s now the second part of her act, no singing. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she was in the same leotard with dark stockings and black shoes. She was doing some sort of act where she lined up a bunch of firecrackers along the front of the stage and she was to light them. She ended in splits and the firecrackers, which looked like the dynamite sticks with the long wicks, started lighting up. People were very impressed but towards the end there was some female on stage with a large Ziploc baggy full of more of the firecracker sticks that started lighting up. Now Lisa and other people were stomping on them to try to put them out.
This whole time I’m still thinking, “If Chris can sing, Meghan can sing, and Lisa can sing and dance, I guess I don’t have to perform some sort of improv comedy… but what will I do?”

That's pretty much it. I woke up and it was light outside. It was the last dream just before I awoke. And no, I never got the chance to perform.

Dream Log #1

My dreams tend to be random and vivid. People have suggested I start logging them. Perhaps someone else out there can make sense of 'em. I invite you to the craziness that seems to be whirlwinding through my subconscious. Here's the first one!

This isn't where the dream begins, but where my memory of it does.

I'm standing in front of a really tall, big yellow sink pooling up with clean water. I use a flat rubber matt thing to push the water back towards the sink. It goes into the sink, but the sink is keeps overflowing... but won't spill over. I turn to say to my friend, Michelle, that the sink is overflowing and she gets up from the couch, walks over to the sink unaffected (she's usually pretty quick and hands-on). She's wearing a brown & white tie-dye casual dress that ties around her neck (much like one she wore to a recent tropical party we had). She puts her elbow on the sink and rests her chin on her hand and casually says, "it's filling up?" Then falls asleep. Seconds later she walks to the couch and sits next to her hubby. I had to go so my son and I had to board a big boat to leave. The boat had multiple decks and was white. It's docked on the beach right outside of this place. It was obviously late afternoon by the placement of the sun and the ocean seemed calm. My son is on the boat and I missed it so to catch up I get on this other boat. It was brown and seemed upside down. Like it was turned over and I was floating on the bottom of it. I couldn't catch up fast enough so I use my hands to paddle. As I was approaching this big boat wasn't a big boat, but started submerging like a submarine and the waves were pushing up the sides of it as it went down.

That's as much as I remember before I woke up.

Taking Ownership

I don't blame anyone for the choices in my life and I'm very proud of most of the choices I did make. I feel like I've already accomplished so much in my life, and have been exposed to so many new things and people, despite not having established myself as a professional entertainer (a dream I've had since I was a kid). I've had some pretty bad days and have blamed "the powers that be" for any shortcomings. What I realize is that I am the powers that be. I have full control of my choices or any of my actions leading up to the end result. That's not to say, let's be clear, that I don't put my faith in God's hands when I submit to having lost control in tougher times. I also thank God for the blessings in my life... and the reason I do have free will.

Recently I disconnected with someone I love and care about; someone very close to me. There were some frustrations leading up to it and who's to say we can ever reconcile our differences. Comments about what was referred to as my "perfect life" were put out there in a way that I think was meant to be offensive. Well, my life is not perfect. My life, however, is my life... and it's the closest thing to perfection for me as it is a result of my own choices. I make no excuses for my life or who I am and I certainly am not apologetic about it either.

If my actions lead you to believe that you are less of a mother, a friend, a person... that is your choice. Don't put that on me. I absolutely don't believe this to be true. If you feel my life and my decisions are the reason behind your insecurities, there is nothing I can do because that's your choice. You are also in control of your actions. Initially I felt angry, of course, and after a week of distracting myself with... oh, who am I kidding, I'm always distracted. These distractions have helped me to think about other things and ultimately come to the conclusion that the fight was ridiculous and not worth another hurtful thought. So without hesitation I attempted to make peace for the second time with no response. The first attempt was probably ill-timed as it was right before the car backed out of the driveway. The second, a week later, was today. I called... no answer. I left a voicemail... no response.

My intentions are to make peace and move forward. I believe the ball is now rolling across the opposite court as a paddle has not even been raised to strike. I apologized for my part in the riff. My intention is not to be right, but to make it right. My intention is not to grovel, beg for mercy, or accept blame to spare your ego. The miscommunication was both of ours. I've said my peace and I have to let it go.

It's in my nature to keep my relationships static-free, as I tend to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, with a desire to impress everyone. (Meh, self-esteem issues.) That said, I prefer to take ownership for my own actions. Don't expect me to take ownership for yours, too.

Invictus is a poem by William Ernest Henley, 1875, and reading this puts me in check. So I'll end the blog with these powerful words...

Out of the night that covers me

Black is the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

my head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

how charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.